(no subject)

[karenor]

it's late. i should be in bed. instead i feel like ruminating further about pointless things...

my nephew is 15 months old. i see him about once a week...twice if i'm lucky. even tho he lives almost literally just down the street. before he was born i never was around children. i'm the youngest in my family, and we never had any extended family nearby...i've never got to watch a child grow like i have my nephew. it's different too when that child is someone you love. i'm afraid for him tho, because my brother and sister-in-law...well i won't say they're not nice people...but they're not exceptionally 'warm'...you know? they're very straightlaced, very average...yuppyish. did school in four years, got married right after. waited the requisite five years, then had a child. will wait three years and then have another (g-dwilling). Noah is exceptional. bright, cute as all get out, and has a great personality. but he is VERY spoiled. and i think growing up like that he will eventually turn into a brat. like those not very nice boys who i hated in highschool, rich, obnoxious, didn't care about anybody else. probably my brother was like that. but he's a good deal older than me, so i don't really know. i don't know if my brother and sister in law will be rich, but they were on their way before they lost their jobs, and i think they'll get there again. do you know, i'm actually scared my nephew won't love me when he grows older. if he does now, and who can tell. but it's like, i think the warmth and love will be bred out of him through mediocrity. isn't that horrible?

anyway, he's definitely bonded with my dad, so maybe that will last. a grandfather is specialer than an aunt anyway. did that sound jealous? it's not meant to be. i do really love my nephew, but it's hard to get very close to him because his mother doesn't really seem to want that. i never held him very much when he was in that 'someone's gotta hold him all the time' stage. and now that he's bigger, my dad has him or my sister in law does. and really the only time i spend with him is when he takes a fascination with my bracelets. which happens a lot, so it's ok.

i guess...well...my point is...i have one somewhere, i swear. i've never dealt with this kind of love before. for a child, from birth. i loved him instantly, and i was shocked by that. thought it couldn't be real, as it didn't make sense. but it was so powerful. if you doubt, man you should have seen me at his bris, when he was just 8 days old. his mom wasn't in the room (customary) but I was the one who was a freakin mess. i could not contain myself at the thought of him in any kind of pain. i have a poem somewhere about that day...cuz a bunch of people died in israel the same day in terrorist attacks and well...there was a lot of emotion. damn now i have to go find it. hold on. keeping in mind that i wrote it a long time ago and have grown a lot as a poet, you can read it here:
------------------------------------
America Poem

my nephew was circumsized today
on his eighth day of life
when spirit and flesh meld,
according to the law of moses and the people
israel
twenty six people died today

in the holy land

i held my mother’s hand
when he cried
even before the mohel cut,
as if he knew
the violence
of the sacred tradition

new love made my face
a fountain,
a dripping mess,
i wept,

for the innocent, on their last day of life,
spirit ripped from flesh
by shrapnel, screws and nails,

for him, his pain
for his mother, who could not watch

for the people and the land
where i can not go again, for fear
for me
------------------------
i took some poetic liberties with the emotion i imbued his mother with. i don't really know how she felt that day.

anyway. i guess i should call it a night. they're supposed to be showing up early tomorrow (my brother and his family, they come every sunday for breakfast) even tho we're not going to the snow like we had planned. they're meeting someone for lunch, i think. which means i got to get to bed.

i trust you guys with my poetry. i'm glad i have this lj to spew my ramblings into, and my poems too when necessary. i wonder what mister 'bullshit' would have to say about THIS one. heh.

anyhoo. to all a good night.

Comments

[alannahrose.livejournal.com]

I've never read a poem of yours that I didn't like! I'm glad you share them. I'm making a note so I'll remember to go back and read those stories I didn't comment on! I keep forgetting.

Re:

[karenor.livejournal.com]

take your time. the stories really aren't very good, believe me (not that the poetry is much better...), but thanks.