badness

[karenor]

things are bad. all around. i'm kinda at a loss. my brother is in a bad way again, i can't really go into it, cuz there's no way to describe how bad it is with him. suffice to say he should be hopitalized and will never be, and his meds to work right. also he is an asshole, and 33 and living here.

school...ugh. i was again lectured by the grad advisor that taking four classes is folly. stupid, suicidal. my parents won't. let. me. drop. a class. this sucks.

toad last night sucked. NOT toad. The show. the HOB on sunset sucks a lot a lot. and i got into a fight with my best friend, which she totally blew out of proportion exclaiming all night in her drunkeness how i hated her and got mad at me for not accepting her apology for being a bitch. now i have to email her to get the assignment for the class we missed yesterday (she got an email addy from someone in class). i don't have anyone's email but hers. and i don't know how to initiate conversation with her. cuz i don't forgive her for what she said in the first place or for ruining my night for her amusement.

she's like "oh this is the second time we've ever been in a fight and it's all your fault cuz i apologized." i told her it was the third time, but whatever. i'm more mad at her for not letting it go. i hate when ppl who have everything are jealous of me. you know? it's like why can't ppl appreciate what they have and be happy for me if one little thing good happens to me. i can never enjoy joyous things. i get my poetry published, she grumbles for weeks what a failure she is, cuz they didn't pick her. i graduate, she says it's not fair and grumbles about how far yet she has to go. i hang out with her favorite band (she's bitter that i like them as much or more than she does, like i took something away from her that was just hers, but she'd never admit it) and she tells me she doesn't want to hear about my night. It makes her sad she doesn't want to HEAR it. When she realized she'd pissed me off she explained herself and how she didn't mean anything by it, but the damage was done. that's the kind of shit you just don't say to me. It's like what my asshole exroomates treated me like, and i'm not having it. meanwhile i'm driving her alcoholic ass to a show so she can drink and she proceeds to have a grand ole time tormenting me all night and if i tried to say anything to me she would reply with "unless you're saying that you don't hate me i don't wanna hear it"...believe that.

so you're thinking...why do i bother with such a beeatch? sometimes i ask myself the same question. she isn't always like this. and i know she is immensely insecure. and doesn't have a clue how much she realy hurt(s) me. once i did totally drop her and refused to speak with her. it lasted about 2 weeks...maybe 3. then she broke up with her boyfriend and needed me. and i was there for her.

sorry. i gotta stop writing about that... i hate that she can make me cry.

i think i might get a tattoo today. i promised myself i would yesterday. but its cold today and i don't wanna walk around in my sandals (with socks which i know is lame, but i have to cover my existing tats and couldn't) cuz i want the new one on my foot and couldn't wear shoes after. so cuz its cold, maybe i won't.

sigh...

Comments

Re:

[alannahrose.livejournal.com]

Wow! Thanks. :) I'm really bad about opening stuff early if I know it's for a holiday though. That's a cardinal sin in our family so it's hard for me to overcome.

I'm gonna be 32! :o